Perfect MMA Day

7:00 a.m. - Alarm clock goes off
7:01 a.m. - Smash alarm clock with my Alistair Overeem replica hammer
10:14 a.m. - Wake up on my own
10:16 a.m. - Reintroduce myself to Gina Carano
11:25 a.m. - Shower
11:50 a.m. - Read Newspaper over breakfast. See that amateur MMA has been banned across the country
12:30 p.m. - Get in limo to take me to the country club. Notice that Chuck Liddell has rebounded nicely from his mma career....as my limo driver
1:05 p.m. - Warming up on the driving range. One ball "accidentally" beans Junie Browning
1:15 p.m. - Tee off. In my foursome is Bruce Buffer, Tito Ortiz, and Enson Inoue
2:34 p.m. - Served lunch from the roving golf cart girl. Lemon Pepper Wings, nachos, and a Mickey's Can with BJ Penn's picture on it
2:35 p.m. - Take my five iron to the empty Mickey's Cann with BJ Penn's picture on it
3:47 p.m. - Ace the 13th
4:12 p.m. - Inoue tells me the truth about the Japanese Yakuza
4:58 p.m. - A group is slow in clearing the 17th green. Tito goes up ahead and takes care of it
5:12 p.m. - Sign card for a one under 71
5:45 p.m. - Bruce ok's me filling in for him at that night's ufc card. helicopter lands on the 18th green to take me to the card.
5:56 p.m. - Pen thank you note to Rick Reilly for this column idea
6:24 p.m. - Arrive at the arena. Dana White gives me permission to do one thing for the company, I re-credential sherdog to media row
6:31 p.m. - Introduce the first bout flawlessly except for the pulled groin when trying to copy the Buffer spin
8:00 p.m. - Make my PPV debut. I look good in HD
8:09 p.m. - Sitting between Edith and Logan, Edith hands me a key to her room for a drink later tonight
8:20 p.m. - Randy Couture announces his retirement. For good this time
8:34 p.m. - Cole Escovedo makes his UFC debut.
9:40 p.m. - Fight of the year between Forrest Griffin and Anderson Silva. Never going to get the blood out of my suit though
9:43 p.m. - Brock Lesnar injures himself backstage and is out of the main event. I am asked to fill in for a shot at the Heavyweight Title
10:09 p.m. - Land the first punch of the fight
10:10 p.m. - Proceed to not land the next 247 punches of the fight
10:44 p.m. - Joe Rogan's scorecard has the fight Frank Mir 50-36 Rob King
10:46 p.m. - The judges, being NSAC boxing judges, mistake me as related to Don King, and fearing for their lives, give me a unanimous decision to make me undisputed UFC Heavyweight Champion
10:49 p.m. - Retire as undefeated champion
11:55 p.m. - Cash my $250,000 paycheck
12:12 a.m. - US government forgets to tax my $250,000 paycheck
1:38 a.m. - Hit a jack of clubs on the river for a royal flush and double my fight paycheck
1:45 a.m. - Enter Edith's hotel room
4:25 a.m. - Fall asleep